Family and communication

A recent conversation with my siblings touched on the importance of clear, transparent, and honest communication in the family. Interestingly, the following day, I came across an article written by marriage and family therapists, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, titled “3 Hallmarks of Poor Communication Every Couple Needs to Know“. But before I share the points in that article, I wanted to start with the following:

Working definition of Communication

Back in undergrad, all Communication students had to learn by heart the meaning of “communication” encapsulated in this diagram:

• Sender — the one transmitting a message.
• Message — words, sounds, symbols, or signs being sent
• Channel — the pathway the message travels
• Receiver — the one who the message is intended for
• Feedback — the message the Receiver sends to the Sender, in response to the original message

Back then, what our professors emphasized was “for communication to be complete, there had to be feedback.” Without it, communication was incomplete.

This is the framework that I’d like us to start with, as we look at the Parrots’ article.

Hallmarks of Poor Communication

In this article, the Parrots note that “becoming good communicators takes teamwork and patience, and the process isn’t always linear.” They also caution that it can take months or even years, depending on the folks involved. Thus, learning about the hallmarks of poor communication helps us to become better in communication.

Here’s what they say are hallmarks of poor communication :

1. Making assumptions
2. Acting on raw emotions
3. Being critical

Let’s unpack these.

Assumptions

An “assumption” is defined as “a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.” Another definition by Oxford Languages is “a willingness to accept something as true without question or proof.” Still another: “something that is believed to be true or probably true but that is not known to be true.”

What’s interesting to note here is the common “denominator” in these three definitions: “without proof“. So an assumption, therefore, is something that still needs to be proven to be correct. That’s why we cannot hold on to it strongly and use it as basis for our thinking, when we are interested in having good communication lines with someone else.

The Parrots warn against having assumptions because these actually shut down communication. They say, “Making assumptions shuts down constructive communication. It effectively halts our ability to gain further empathy and understanding of one another, because once we’ve made an assumption, our mind is made up. From there, it’s incredibly difficult to level with one another in a meaningful way–at least regarding the topic at hand.”

From personal experience, I have seen how difficult it is to have meaningful conversations with persons who have already made up their minds about something, even if they verbally say they want to have an open discussion. In contrast, conversations with people who are truly sincere in understanding what happened–who refrain from making assumptions–tend to end with resolution and reconciliation (if, previously, relations were strained!).

Acting on raw emotions

This point, I think is the most explosive in a relationship. The Parrots have this to say: “Raw emotion can make us reactive, which in turn creates further problems and damages our relationships. Emotion can drive us to say and do things we regret later, so it’s important to pause and take stock of our thoughts and the situation before we respond.”

Still to this day, I need to be reminded of the importance of “biting my tongue” (and literally doing it!), especially during heated conversations. I remember what my Dad used to remind me… “be mindful of your emotions.” He would caution me against letting my emotions take the best of me, especially during difficult conversations. Early on, he was teaching me the importance of keeping tabs of raw emotions as letting these control you led to more damage and harm. This reminds me of a quote I once came across: “… But the human tongue is a beast that few can master. It strains constantly to break out of its cage, and if it is not tamed, it will run wild and cause you grief.” (Author Unknown)

Let’s best heed the warning!

Being critical

The final point the Parrots mention in their article is the human tendency to be critical of others, especially in heated conversations. They write, “Criticism is one of the most damaging attributes in a relationship. It breeds resentment and contempt if allowed to continue unhindered. Just like making assumptions, being critical of one another blocks communication and creates problems, rather than solving them.”

I believe being critical is the second most explosive thing in a relationship. And I totally agree with the Parrots statement that “(w)hile it’s healthy to offer constructive feedback to one another, being critical tends to result in the recipient feeling cut down and disrespected.”

From my experience, being critical, or as my wife lovingly puts it–“finding fault in every single thing”, shuts down the communication process. Once one of the parties in a conversation feels that the other is outwardly critical towards her/him, the normal response is to shut down or have that desire to jump out of the conversation ASAP! And once that happens, no matter what the other person does, no matter how eloquent and logical her/his arguments are, it really does not make a difference at all, because the other party has already zoned out COMPLETELY! Thus, resulting to an incomplete communication process (per our diagram above)!

So why are people critical?

Well, one article from Psychology Today written by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. entitled “What’s Wrong with Criticism” suggests this reason:

It’s because criticism is an easy form of ego defense. We don’t criticize because we disagree with a behavior or an attitude. We criticize because we somehow feel devalued by the behavior or attitude. Critical people tend to be easily insulted and especially in need of ego defense.

In another article titled “Why Are Some People So Critical?” that appeared in the Harvard Business Review, author Steven Berglas explains:

In the language of the self-help and recovery movements, these folks are often suffering from a disorder known as, “If You Spot It, You Got It [IYSIYGI].” It works like this: You notice that colleague X has what is, in your mind, is an affliction. You then take it upon yourself to castigate him for his affliction — irrespective of whether or not it impairs his on-the-job performance or has a negative effect on group morale.

What makes this dynamic so ugly is that unbeknownst to the person under attack, the critic is being driven to criticize by a repressed-and-intolerable feeling that he’s “got” what he deplores in others.

Put simply, critical people point out problems in others because the same problems actually also appear in themselves. And much worse, they’re repulsed by these! The reality is that the harder the critical person is on others over an issue, the bigger that issue is in her/his own life. Further into the article, Berglas refers to this as “projection”, which is “(a) psychological defense mechanism that enables a person to deny their own issues by attributing those traits to others.”

Summary

As we continue our journey in this life, let’s strive to:

1. Always maintain open lines of communication, with an emphasis on getting “Feedback” which completes the communication process;
2. As much as we can, keep an open mind and listen carefully to the other person(s) in whatever communication process we’re involved in; and
3. Treat the other person(s) as we would want to be treated ourselves. Because if the roles were reversed, we’d most likely want to be extended grace and mercy.

Let’s all try to be more real and decent human beings, instead of “animals just out for the kill”! Our present world needs this so badly!