Speak life

This week, in our small group on parenting, the topic was “Understanding Identity”. The main premise was summarized by Stephen Kendrick, an American film writer and producer, this way:

Our children don’t just grow up differently; they show up differently. The Lord has pre-wired them, not only with gender, but with skills and a bent toward certain things. So, part of parenting is an ongoing discovery… we need to be watering the seeds that God has planted inside of them. 

One of the challenges put forth to us parents was to speak life to our children. “Speaking life” was defined as “frequently expressing words of affirmation, value, and encouragement” on a daily basis, making it a part of our children’s upbringing, and not just a sporadic thing in our homes. 

Expounding on the power of our words, Dr. Daniel Huerta, Vice President of Parenting and Youth for Focus on the Family, writes in his article The Power of Life-Giving Words In Your Family:

The power of the tongue is incredible. Words can build, and they can destroy. Words carry meaning and momentum within a person and relationships. Speaking life-giving words can bring love, encourage, distract, bring truth, deceive, fill a room, help pass the time, connect, guide, divide, form perceptions, and impact our memories.   

The Bible has several verses on this same topic. Here are a few that I found:

• “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.” Proverbs 18:21 (MSG)
• “But the things that come out of your mouth—your curses, your fears, your denunciations—these come from your heart, and it is the stirrings of your heart that can make you unclean.” Matthew 15:18 (Voice)
• “He who has knowledge restrains and is careful with his words, and a man of understanding and wisdom has a cool spirit (self-control, an even temper).” Proverbs 17:27 (AMP)
• “If you want a happy, good life, keep control of your tongue, and guard your lips from telling lies.” 1 Peter 3:10 (TLB)
• “Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts. Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth…” Proverbs 4:23 (MSG)

I have to admit that this is something that I am working on. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit helps me a lot! Several times, just as I’m telling Ari to do something for the hundredth time, I’ve gotten a reminder to “be careful with my words”. Thankfully, I cannot remember my parents telling me “You’re stupid!” or “You’ll never amount to anything!” when I was growing up. So that’s why you won’t hear me saying these to Ari. However, I have been convicted of the times I’ve said “Why can’t you just use your noggin?” or “You never listen to Daddy!”. Both of which I think aren’t life-giving either. Thus, my need of the Holy Spirit’s reminders on a daily basis.

Jennifer Clarke, in her article Speaking Life to Your Kids: Balancing Encouragement with Truth, offers helpful suggestions, which I comment on:

1. Teach them what the Bible says about them. — I agree. This reminds me of John 6:68 where Peter says: “Lord, to whom shall we go? You [alone] have the words of eternal life [you are our only hope]. (AMP)”. If we want to speak life into our children’s lives, then we need to fill our hearts with the Life-giving Word, the Bible. There isn’t anything out there that’s truly life-giving than God’s Word. It is powerful!
2. Tell them what you notice without constantly offering praise. — This is great advice, but forces us parents to be AWARE–aware of what our kids are doing, and aware of their personalities and what makes them “tick”. More examples in her article. 
3. Focus on character more than appearance, performance, and talents. — Again, this suggestion forces us parents to get to know our children and their God-given “pre-wiring”. I also think that this encourages us to be on the lookout for those “teaching moments” where we can make God’s Word really meaningful to them and tying God’s truth to what they’re experiencing in the moment. 
4. Refuse to criticize publicly. — I totally agree with this. And I know my parents practiced this when we were growing up. Nothing could be more devastating to a child’s self-esteem as being audibly reprimanded publicly. 
5. Tell the truth. — I love this suggestion. My personal application though is to always ask the Holy Spirit’s help in telling the truth in love. It’s so easy for me to tell someone the truth. But it takes maturity, Godly insight, and God’s love to tell the truth in love. Much more of these is needed especially when talking to a 4-year old, like my son. Although, as Jennifer points out, “our kids are excellent lie-detectors….” Thus, the need to also always live a truthful life!
6. Aim to edify. — “Edify” is defined as “uplift, enlighten, inform, build up, establish” (Merriam-Webster). I agree. We’re talking in this blog about “Speaking Life”. Hence, it is a logical conclusion that the main goal of our words should be to always lift up our kids, to build them up, and to positively encourage them. I am sure we all can remember those moments when we received encouraging and positive words, and how these lasted longer in our memories and fueled us to do even greater things. Our children need us to invest in them. So let’s do our part as parents to “fuel” them into their God-ordained futures. 

Let’s commit to speaking life to our kids. They need it more, especially when the world bombards them with so much negativity and confusing messages. Let’s help them thrive and achieve their God-given callings.

The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences. Proverbs 18:21 (NLT)